the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize