Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
