It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
