Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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