I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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