the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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