My cat gives me a boner
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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