You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
