I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize