I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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