Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
