im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
