sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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