Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
