She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
