I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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