you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize