I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
