i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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