After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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