I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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