go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
