i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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