Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
