My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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