I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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