You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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