so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
