i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
