it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I faked an abortion last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Text me some of your sweat
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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