Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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