don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
