i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
