I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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