don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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