I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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