How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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