Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
