After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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