One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
being pregnant is like rehab
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize