I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Be still, my beating vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
