i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
