Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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