I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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