god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
