oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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