I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
