"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
