I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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