I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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