I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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