Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Randomize
