In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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