I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
