His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
