Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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