Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
