It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
