I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
