We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
