please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My penis needs a shock collar
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
