I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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