I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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