That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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