I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
